how did you manage to hurt me so? did i never treat you right? all the things you’ve said to me, was it all true? why the change all of a sudden? i need to know.

was i your puppet toy you decided to lose interest in? how could you be so heartless? it hurts so bad. i wish there were some kind of ways for me to heal this wound, but i dont know how anymore. my past still haunts me till to date, and you are not making it any better.

why leave me hanging here? why give me hope? is this all karma? I want to forget you, i want to forget all your empty words, i want karma to hit you back in return, and i want to heal as soon as possible.

this pain is killing me softly…

The Bads

when i thought i had it all figured out, life turns its back on me.

what i thought was mine, it changed and crushed into pieces.

when i wanted to cry, i couldn’t cause i wanted to seem strong.

the privilege given to me, the moments, it is not You whom i want it from.

how can so many bad things line up one after another just for me? why am i treated unfairly? is this Life? Reason for it all is what i seek of now. I try and i try, but this is what i get in return. i can only handle that much, anything more is only going to hurt and crush me.

i need a sign..show me where do i go from here, or are all these happenings a sign? i really dont know.

Its Been A While

since my last post, many things had happened (obviously); but yet i feel that nothing much had happened.

i have been so stressed out about my post graduation that i cant seem to do anything about it. i have too much of work and other commitments that i dont want to have anything to do with it anymore. i have had this crush for this someone special that its no longer just a crush. i have a problem with my housemate that i cant live with her anymore. i cant trust anyone, but then again i think its just me, maybe i cant trust myself.

no matter how hard i try, i fail myself in the end.

This Thing In Me

its been a long time, so long that i dont remember when it begun or even how and why. i cant explain what is it in me thats bothering me. i dont know why i started feeling this way. it hurts, thats one thing i know for sure.

im fine, im fine – thats what ive been telling all my friends and to myself. i thought i was fine all these while, but it just hit me that im not fine at all. ive been living in this shade of lie for the past 4 years. and all these while i thought things were fine. 4 years, that is also the same length of time since i last shed a tear drop.

i have emotions, but i cant seem to let it out. ive been wanting to cry whenever im down or for whatever reason for me to cry, but i cant. i just cant and i dont know why. i need to cry. i need to let it out. i just dont know how. dont know anymore.

It’s All Black And White

im such a complicating person. i dont know what i want, dont know what i need, and i really dont want to think. my love life is such a mess, my mind is so confused, my past is haunting me, and all i want is to smile and be happy. how hard can that be? i wish i could run away from all these and start all over, but im afraid thats just easier said than done. how can i leave everything behind and go?

i want a guy who can love me for who i am. i want someone who will treasure me, care for me, and most importantly trust me for my every movements. i dont want someone to control my life and tell me what i should be doing. if he is as such, who is he loving? the person he wants me to be? or me as who i am?

i dont want drama, i dont want insecurities, and i as hell dont want a third party involved. if you cant be truthful and faithful, then dont bother wasting your time as well as my time. i dont know if i can handle ldr if i have to spend hours arguing of why i do what i do and who i mix with.

i have a lot of love to give, but if i have to argue everyday or every time we talk, then all you’re doing is restricting all the love i have to give..

i dont know, im confused.. and i really hate this feeling. it just stops me from doing anything!

Let me live. Give me air. I just need to breathe.